Hi Truman: A few of the men I have met insist on coming to my home to pick me up for our first date. They say they are old fashioned and want to treat me like a lady. They get mad when I say no. I am a woman of means and I believe they want to see where I live and what I have. Besides that we live in a dangerous world now. What do you think and what should I tell them?
The Truth is a powerful thing. Let’s use it.
Here’s what I suggest to you. Tell him your truth. Tell him that you appreciate the old-fashioned courtesy, however you feel more comfortable meeting at a neutral location until you have gotten to know one another better.
Now observe how the truth will do you a favor…
If a man gets upset or doesn’t value your truth, you get a good sense of the type of person he is UPFRONT. You save yourself the time and expense of finding this out on a second or third date. I don’t think you want to hang out with I guy who doesn’t see how reasonable your request is. On the other hand, if he’s cool with what you said, you at least know he is willing to honor what’s important to you. You know that at some level he values your sense of safety and security and is willing to see things from your point of view. I think there is more “old-fashioned” courtesy in respecting a woman’s feelings than blindly repeating some ritual.
That’s the value of telling people what is truly on your mind. You will know if people can harmonize with you when you are hitting your own note right.
Sometimes we think by withholding our true feelings we are avoiding conflict. This is not the case. Imagine that you do not believe in sexual intimacy before marriage but you withheld the information because you thought the other person would be upset, or that it would end the possibility of continuing the relationship. In this scenario, all you would be doing is prolonging the time when you both would be faced with the fact that your values are different. In a very real way, this is a form of passive manipulation.
When we tell the truth, we create an opportunity to see how people respond to the truth. In the light of being true to ourselves, it is easier to see other peoples’ true colors.
This brings me to my next point. You said, “I am a woman of means and I believe they want to see where I live and what I have.” I think it may serve you to focus on what is true for you instead of guessing what other people may be thinking. These superstitions, or set ways of thinking, only block and obscure your natural intuition. Some men may want to check out the material things you have, however by harboring superstitions, you will not be aware of the men who have the wisdom and courage to look beyond those things.
Just something to think about.
Today is a beautiful day; I trust you will enjoy it to the fullest.