My second husband and I were separated and divorced 14 years. He came back into my life when our daughter started to college and married. He told me that he wanted my forgiveness for the wrong things he had done to me and would like to make another try at our marriage. He had married several other women during this time but I really don't have a problem with them. My problem is at first he was all good and everything but I told him that I wanted to hold off on remarrying him until we see if this is going to work out. He is a truck driver and is gone for three weeks or more at a time. He was calling me three or four times a day and I would do the same. It has been about a year and a half now and he has gone back to some of the same things that broke us up. He won’t share his business with me, he gets angry when I ask him about it and won’t call or come home. He is unable to have a erection without medication. We both have some health problems. He will not show any affection to me, other than a kiss every now and then. I need his support financially so I am trying very hard to make this work. What can I do to gain his trust and affection back?
Thanks for sharing your story.
Here is what may be happening in your world…
In order to avoid the feeling of lack and financial uncertainty, you are willing to put up with a man that you do not love. You may think you are trading the devil you don’t know for one that you do. However, this is not how it works. Following the course that you have set for yourself, you will probably just end up with TWO devils.
Here is an example that illustrates my point: a woman is experiencing emotional pain in her life that seems so unbearable that she chooses to drink heavily to numb the pain; she still has the emotional pain (although it may for a time be covered up by all the alcohol) and now she has a drinking problem. She has just “doubled her trouble.” Insert anything you want in place of alcohol-- food, sex, gambling, bad relationship, the equation is still the same.
This is why it is important for us to recognize when we are avoiding discomfort, pain, hurt, sadness, fear in our lives. When we are aware, we have an opportunity to face our emotional blocks and release them. Otherwise the tactics we use to “escape” end up making things worse.
I think that you will be served by really getting in touch with your fears regarding financial support. What is your relationship with money? How long have you had issues with money? What other questionable choices have you made in your life related to your issues with money and finances? Imagine your worst financial fear and face it head on—look it directly in the eyes and don’t blink. No one else can grow for you.
Sometimes women imagine a knight in shining armor riding in on a white horse that will complete them and solve all of their problems. In your case, you have imagined someone who seems to be emotionally unavailable who is riding in backwards on a donkey.
You asked, “What can I do to gain his trust and affection back?” First, it seems that you never had his trust or affection. Secondly, there is nothing you can do to make anyone do anything. His ability to be trustful and affectionate is his business. He is grown and those are his responsibilities.
Please do not allow this man to be your addiction, your crutch. Face your fear and watch how all of creation will back you. May you see this as an opportunity to overcome an issue that most likely has been weighing you down for some time now.
You are the author of your life. I trust that what you will write next is something that serves your highest vision of what is possible for you.
Life is good,